I am missing one thing in my life.

[stillastud5769]

I am married to a woman who hasn't been the same physically or mentally for several years. I have become a caregiver, more than a husband. She no longer cares about things like personal hygiene, her overall appearance or in doing much of anything but watching CSI 24/7.

We married in 1999, after living together for about 6 months. She was a very attractive and sexy woman. I soon discovered, however, that when she consumed alcohol that she suddenly missed her ex-husband and would blatantly just leave and go to his house. I decided to confront both of them and basically forced my way past the ex., who was in nothing but a bath robe. I was there to kick his --- and then leave them both out of my life.

My wife stood between him and I, and threatened that if I laid a hand on him that we were done. Hell, I figured we were done anyway, but she protected the cowardly bastard by refusing to move. She was telling me what a piece of s--- that I was ,so I backhanded her (I don't condone that and have never done it before, or since). I told the ex. that I would get to him later. When I left, I decided i had to do something, so I took my F250 Ford p/up and spun "cookies" in his yard, tearing the hell out of it.

When I got home from work, my wife had returned home and didn't apologize or nothing. She basically attempted to go on as if nothing happened. Later that week, she again got drunk and played the game. This time I told her we were done, so she took a hand full of Zanex and started to put them in her mouth. I twisted her wrist to get her to drop them, which she did. Then she called the police and reported that I had beat the hell outta her. I was arrested and hauled to jail.

About 5:00 AM, the Jailer told me that bond had been posted. I hadn't contacted anyone, so I had no idea who it could be. When I got dressed and went out to the lobby, it was my wife's ex. who posted bond. I at first refused to accept it, but I wanted to know why he did it. He just stated that my wife had asked him to do it and he took me home (which violated the no contact order). I was dead tired, so I just crashed on the coach and decided to find somewhere to go later in the day, after court at 1:00 PM, for my arraignment.

My attorney was waiting for me, and entered a not guilty plea. He later got me off and all charges were dismissed.

I told my wife that there would be no more alcohol in the home, or anymore drinking, period. The problems always happened when drinking. She obtained custody of her then 12 yr. old son and our marriage got allot better. I had a good relationship with him and his dad treated him like s---.

My wife began to need surgeries for neck and back problems and was laid up for a long time. With that came the pain pills, so I had both issues to deal with. I became very close to her son and felt the need to protect him from what his mother was going through and to be somewhat of a stable guardian, in his life. Unfortunately, he died of an accidental gunshot at 16.

After that, my wife deteriorated both emotionally and even more physically. We went through therapists, psychiatrists and everything that we could try to help. She has never recovered and has basically given up on life. She has gained a significant amount of weight, which has made her physical conditions even worse. She is totally physically inactive, yet smokes heavily and has developed severe CPOD. My wife seldom baths or showers and has let herself go to hell. I love her, as a wife, but not romantically anymore. She has alienated everyone in her life and has no one but me. I know that she would kill herself, if she lost me.

So, I take care of her, the best that I can, keep our home clean and do everything around the house. I am now self-employed, doing handyman work, so that I can set my own schedule, as she needs me with her a lot, has doctor appts., etc. We have little in common, as I am the active type and she is, of course, totally the opposite. There has been no intimacy since her son died in 2005.

I have had a few one night stands, over the years, but I am 58 and I doubt that I will have too many more years where I am attractive enough to even find an interested woman, if that isn't already the case. I am told that I am still good-looking, by quite a few people and still have confidence in my physical appearance. I'm not stupid and know that I need to possibly find someone in my age group who is maybe looking for something similar. I am not judgmental or egotistical. I just miss everything about a woman, the feel, smell, taste, touch - everything.

Ray Ward
Idaho Falls, Idaho.